Most of these have been collected from years of internetting, plus we’ve added a few of our own. Hope you have a few laughs!

General Selling Terms

• All Offers Considered: I am in traction for next 6 months
  
• Attractive: Bay
  
• Anyone Can Ride: as long as they have the right protective gear, they will survive.
  
• Bomb Proof: So dumb you could set off a bomb under his tail and he wouldn't blink.
  
• Big Boned: good thing horse has mane & tail or he would be mistaken for a cow
  
• Big Trot: can't canter within a 2 mile straightaway
  
• Big Canter: 24 ft stride
  
• Bold: runaway
  
• Needs Intermediate Rider: runaway
  
• Needs Experienced Rider: "dead" runaway, or
  
• Needs Experienced Rider: Potentially Lethal
  
• Athletic: He's a runaway, but he looks good doing it
  
• Clips, Loads and Floats: Clippity, clippity is the sound his hooves make when he hauls a$$ across the parking lot when you try to load him


• Doing Courses: when tranquilized to the eyeballs & lunged 6 hrs straight before hand
  
• Easy to Catch: Very Old
  
• Elegant: Thin
  
• Flashy: White Socks, or
  
• Flashy: nice looking... forget about him being rideable
  
• Free Moving: Bolts
  
• FEI Dressage: did World Challenge Children’s/Preliminary test two years ago.
  
• Good Condition: Foundered
  
• Good Disposition: The only good thing about him
  
• Good Jumper prospect: Looks great jumping over the pasture fence, if you can ever catch him, you might just have yourself a great jumper!
  
• Good in Traffic (Bomb Proof): Lame all Round, Deaf and Blind
  
• Got Cow Sense: he'll attack any cattle within a 5-mile radius
  
• Excellent Disposition: never been out of his stall
  
• Jumper: no flatwork
  
• Clean Jumper: no flatwork, jumps fences
  
• Neat and Clean Jumper: no flatwork, jumps fences, can stop
  
• Six-Bar Jumper: can’t turn, won't stop
  
• Puissance Jumper: can’t jump anything other than walls
  
• Good flatwork: when tied down with drawreins
  
• Loves Children: Bites
  
• Loves Other Horses: Kicks and bites
  
• He Can Do It All: bite, kick, buck, rear...
  
• Loud Color: we spray painted him bright red
  
• Lots of Potential: Under the right circumstances, you might be able to ride him
  
• Lady's Horse: Perfectly sweet with women, but will kill men
  
• Light Cribber: we can't afford to build any more barns & fences for the buzz saw
  
• No Time For Him: he's lucky to be fed
  
• No Vices: especially when he wears his muzzle
  
• Quiet: Lame in Both Front Legs
  
• Dead Quiet: Lame in All Four Legs
  
• Quick: Spooks
  
• Very Quick: spooks badly
  
• Reluctant Sale: Comes with title deeds to Eiffel Tower/Twin Towers/Sydney Opera House
  
• Recently Vetted: someone else found something badly wrong with the horse
  
• Started O/F: Started overfeeding because we can't ride
  
• Stunning: you'll be stunned by his bucking power
  
• Slight Case Of Navicular: better buy him before he's too lame to walk
  
• Slight Nervous Habit: he shakes and has muscles ticks anytime anyone asks him to think
  
• Smooth: you won't notice he's bucking until you're on the ground!
  
• Schoolmaster: old
  
• Good schoolmaster: old and knows how to take care of himself
  
• To Good Home Only: not really for sale unless you can 1) pay twice what he is worth, 2) allow current owner to tuck in beddy-bye every night, 3) are willing to sign a 10 page legal document
  
• To Loving Home Only: Expensive
  
• To Show Home Only: Very Expensive
  
• Top Show Horse: won a reserve championship 5 years ago at a show with unusual low entries due to a hurricane
  
• Professionally Trained: hasn't stepped, bitten, or kicked anyone for a month
  
• Already Broke: two fences, one arm, six buckets
  
• Really Broke: literally
  
• Well Broke: we are totally broke but we still love him anyway.
  
• Started Good: we quit while we were ahead
  
• Started: we quit while we were still alive
  
• Nicely Started: we can lunge him, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet
  
• Well Mannered: hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week
  
• Must Sell: Wife has left home, have horse and kids
  
• Selling due to divorce: My spouse certainly couldn't stand him...
  
• Selling Due to Retirement: he's making us old
  
• Owner Leaving: can’t get rid of the horse otherwise
  
• Unregistered: probably stolen

Bloodlines and Breeding Terms:

• Great Bloodlines: He can't do anything, but that's okay because some horse 20 generations back did something
  
• Great Stud: breeding is the only thing he's good at
  
• Should Mature 16 hands: currently 13h, dam is 14.3hh, sire is 15hh, every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 15h but this horse will definitely defy his DNA
  
• Proven Sire: The mare we bred him to had a baby
  
• Good Mother: She's too dumb to do anything else.
  
• Protective Mother: don't even think about going near the foal
  
• Great Halter Prospect: Bred for beauty, not for brains
  
• Home Bred: knows nothing except being raised on the front porch
  
• Well bred: horse passport available
  

Prospects, Heights and Types:

• Event Prospect: Big, Fast Horse
  
• Dressage Prospect: Big, Slow Horse
  
• Hack Prospect: Pretty Color
  
• Show Prospect: Looks good, no dressage
  
• Sporting Prospect: Short, Fast Horse
  
• Polo Prospect: Short, Fast and can turn
  
• Camp Draughting Prospect: Fast Horse, can turn, won’t follow polo ball.
  
• Endurance Prospect: Fast Horse which will turn sometimes
  
• Arab Type: Looks startled
  
• TB Type: Looks Terrified
  
• Quarter Horse Type: Chunky
  
• Pony Type: Small and Hairy
  
• Halter Horse Type: Fat
  
• Warmblood Type: Big and Hairy
  
• Dumb-Blood: Bigger, hairier and dumber than the average warmblood
  
• Draught Type: Big and exceedingly hairy
  
• 15.2hh: 14.3hh
  
• 16.2hh: 15.3hh

P.S. Please remember these “Selling Terms” are just a bit of fun and should not be taken seriously.